don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize