If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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