What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
