i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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