I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
