When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
