for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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