Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
