i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
