Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
