you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
