You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
