So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
