Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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