Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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