I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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