Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize