There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize