Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
