Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Randomize
