so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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