Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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