and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize