I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize