So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
