Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
