I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
