Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
