he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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