I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
