I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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