New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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