i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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