I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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