I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
