I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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