in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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