wrigley field is MILF paradise
Your dad touched me again.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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