so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
