Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize