Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
