I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
