I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
