My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize