just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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