Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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