My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
