i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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