Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
As shirtless as possible
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
