the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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