good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
