I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How external is "for external use only"?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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