I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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