So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize