my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
