my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i used baking grease as lip gloss
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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